To me, sad fantasy
Feels better than almost anything.
I’m aware, sensitive,
Permeated by waves of mood.
Is a distraction of hope.
Even the desires
That I pine for could do no more
Than teardrop chords
Dancing prettily down your face.
Most of us
Want affection in safe hands.
So do I,
But, they just never feel safe enough.
I’m most alright
When I’m thoughtful and alone,
And never more alive
Than listening to you sing sad songs.
I still imagine myself chained to the wall of some dark place,
Wanting to scream myself sore.
I carry that image even in my calmest moments,
Knowing it always has the potential to surface.
It’s not an image I invented,
It’s something I impulsively conceived.
I’m trained to see everyone as a treat,
Even the most well-meaning person could uncover me,
Force me to feel things I’d forced down
And expose my shameful needs without warning.
I can’t afford to be a nearly six-foot male,
Dressed in all black, crying in front of others
For the sake of my own self-pity
And consistent self-neglect.
I can’t afford to open myself up
To anymore ridicule and scrutiny
Over factors I can’t explain, or even understand,
Even though I feel them potently.
There’s just something unbearably wretched
About having your own issues neglected
Or treated like a waste of time
Simply because you can’t express them convincingly.
And worse, being perceived as melodramatic,
Stubborn, over sensitive, or seeking attention
Or pitied in the wrong way, pitied from superficial superiority
As though you’re clearly missing the point.
I live with that image in my head,
Chained and shrieking in a cold, dark place,
And it isn’t just one thing, it’s a host of repressed issues,
All compounded into an overwhelming reason to stay down,
But it’s killing me,
It’s literally destroying my capacity to feel good.
I’m in a precarious state,
Feeling my way blindly out of the dark,
Allowing myself to be seen in short bursts
So I don’t feel so encased.
All the old fears follow me,
My doubts and trepidations,
My internalized images and insecurities
And my methods of undermining them.
Fuck being self-contained.
Fuck holding back for other’s sake,
Fuck feeling confident about other people’s problems
Like you’re above such things.
I’m in a precarious state,
In that, I feel like letting myself go regardless who’s in the way.
I’ve become adept at being distant,
At shrouding my turbulence so thoroughly
You wouldn’t even suspect
I was witholding anything significant.
I’m still actively withdrawn,
It’s a strength I’ve come to cherish,
And I don’t know I’ll ever open up
Enough to make up for what I’ve lost,
But I’ve had enough pretending,
And choking down emotion just to feel safe.
I’m still chained up somewhere dark,
But I’m past pretending it’s nothing.
I wish I could express
In speech as I do in writing
How much I feel about you,
How heavily I care,
How deeply you affect me,
And everything that means.
Mind to mind,
Or empathy to recognition,
In terms of verbal exchange
Is apt to be uncomfortable.
You can read my poems
And feel me more fully
Than you ever could’ve felt me
Might expose our true emotions,
But the mundanity of self-consciousness
Prevents a simple telling.
I can try,
And occasionally do well,
But I’ve little hope of equaling
The context of the written word.
I love you.
Resurrecting past emotions.
A litany of shit and shame
Deliberately targeted on the present moment.
Tangent upon tangent,
Trauma upon trauma,
Surfacing up to swallow
The security of my bondage.
Like the restless dead
Shrieking as their unearthed,
Naked in the light of day,
Tortured by the slightest sensation.
My life hurts.
All the painful memories replay.
This is My Hell.
This is everything I’ve tried to escape.
Wait for everything to bleed away.
Hold onto nothing,
Give it up,
Let it go.
I wish it would rain
Bittersweet tears from a crying sky
As midnight’s chill air envelops us
With cascading droplets of emotion
Expressing my emotions for me
Ominous thunder like an angry God
Bellowing passionately into the dark
And lightening for sudden illumination
Brilliant supernovas of distress
Etching my sentiments into the clouds
A microcosmic apocalypse just for me
A turbulent release to set me free
A tantrum, a meltdown, a melodramatic wailing
Goetia, an epic symphony of lament
Just to ease me
Settle my repressed distress
And cleanse these unrelenting thoughts
Express this damn chaos for me, please
I wish the sky would cry
Its tears lulling me to sleep